It's Okay

My entire life I've tried so hard to fit in. Thought I needed to fill my heart with wants unlike my own. To pretend to be something I'm not. 

But it's okay not to... 

I've learned It's okay to: 

Be goofy, silly at times, laugh for no reason at all.
To dance at random moments,
Spend your time watching movies and shows. 

It's okay to love to: 

Scrapbook, write, read and
Listen to music 

It's okay: 

To prefer to stay in and spend time with your love
To have a few close unconditional friends
To be an introvert and spend time on your own 

It's really okay ...

To be a little quirky and a little weird,
To have a curvy body and crazy wild curly hair,
To be a thinker and a worrier...

To be different. 

To be you. 

To be .... 

Me.

"Mami"

I looked into his tiny brown eyes and prayed that he wouldn’t remember that moment.

I was 14 when it happened. 14 when my life was turned upside down. I sat in my mother’s house in the living room panicked as I held him, my brother, in my arms and rushed to answer the phone. My mother called. She spoke quickly and then hung up. Her words like sharp stabbings to my heart. “I can’t do this, I can’t continue. I give up; I don’t want to live any longer.”  The dial tone pierced through my ear and snapped my mind from the sudden state of shock.

I phoned my sister and expressed the urgency of the situation. Throughout this my mind was a blur. Next thing I knew, I was speaking to a police officer at the front door, who was asking several questions about my mother’s whereabouts. I tried to answer as best as I could, with my brother crying in my arms and the sound of the phone ringing repetitively in the background. As I stood there barefoot speaking to him, I saw her.

I couldn’t find the words to express her location as I stood paralyzed staring at her, so I pointed towards her. As I saw her get out of the cab, I noticed her disheveled hair, her face flushed and mascara running down her face. She looked awful. I had never seen her like this. A one too many thoughts were running through my mind, as I tried to remain as calm as possible for my brother. I looked at him and said, “Things will be okay”.

She was taken to the hospital, as I waited for a relative to pick my brother and myself from the police station. The police officer smiled at me and offered to assist me with my brother, but I refused. I was scared and upset. My mother was suffering from something that I did not understand, but I knew that now I would have to protect him.

Luckily, my aunt was able to pick us up although she lived several hours away. As we drove to her home, my brother refused to be held by anyone but myself. As I held him I heard him say, “Mami”. The word terrified me as I quickly corrected him, “No, Jessy….Jessy” I repeated it several times but as I did, he continued saying “Mami”. I knew what he meant, but at that moment the word expressed a whole another type of meaning for me. I was young and naïve, but the word described a strong, courageous being that would forever protect him and I knew then that I, in those couple hours had just become that; that my role would forever be more than a sister.

I continued correcting him until he closed his eyes and feel asleep.

Homerun for Friendship

“Ah, Come on!” I shouted as I watched another player of my team strike out.  My frustration was building, as I stood and stared at the field, I desperately hoped that the next player would be able to get the score up. My friends stood beside me with the same amount of combined anger and eagerness to be able to be watching this baseball game a few rows from the field.

When we were younger we always talked about one day being able to grow up and go to a baseball stadium and watch our favorite team play. We would wear our baseball caps and hit the ball outside pretending to be those players we watched on T.V.  We would always go to Jerry’s house to watch the games. He had the biggest T.V. and his mom would always prepare Buffalo wings and French fries for us to devour while we excitedly were enthralled in the game.

“Yes, that’s it!” As a player runs to first base, I am welcomed back to my dream, my reality. Our team is coming back and as the hours pass, we experience the first win of the season for our team.

 We were so thrilled! As we leave the stadium, we walk to the nearest restaurant and order Buffalo wings and French Fries. “Jerry, your moms are so much better!” I say as we all smile and think back to our younger days, happy to be able to add this moment to our list of great memories.

Childhood

It is a part of you. As you grow, it shapes the person you are and will be. Reflections focus on the people involved that helped create it. It is the beginning of chapter 1 of your life, forever engraved in the pages although invisible. The teachings will forever stay in your heart.  However, some of the most hurtful moments create dents that only time heals.

It is a part of you forever.

Color Me Happy

I love the color purple. Why? I love it because it is vibrate, bright and intense but above all, it still has a depth to it. Purple is my color of happiness.

When I’m happy, I’m the color  purple.

When I’m excited, I’m the color yellow. The brightness expresses the joy felt at that moment.

When I’m sad, I’m the color blue.  Its softness expresses the vulnerability felt at that time.

When I’m angry, I’m the color black. I imagine myself falling down a deep hole, complete darkness.

When I’m hurt, I’m the color red. Red symbolizes the blood that is drained from our bodies when we experience an intense injury, an intense pain.

When my routine becomes mundane, I’m brown. This is the color of many things not so attractive, which is what we feel when having to do the same routine over and over again.

When I’m stuck, I’m the color gray. In the moment you are stuck, you always have a way out towards the lighter side or you can go to the dark side and become angry and drown down a deep hole but before you choose you are gray.

When I’m in love, I’m the color pink. This is the color of my cheeks when you make me smile and when you hold my hand.   

Most of the times we are a combinations of all of these: a rainbow.

Which color are you today?  If you can’t decide, color yourself happy.

Intoxicated With Greed

 "Callie!" As she searched around her for the familiar voice, she quickly covered the evidence with her comforter.

"Who's there?" She yelled as the shadow of the voice calling her slowly approached and became visible on the walls of her rose painted room. "I need you to explain this to me now!"

Callie panicked. She covered her body with her comforter, trying to disguise all that is hidden beneath. She grabbed her cellphone and pretended to text.

The shadow approached and was then at once in front of her.

Callie sighed in relief. "Don't scare me like that!" She yelled as she swiftly removed the comforter off herself and the stacks of bills.

Her friend and accomplice laughed hysterically. "Callie, seriously you need to relax. We are rich now and no one will ever know how it happened. Our life of being poor and living in the streets is...?" She paused enthusiastically and waited for Callie to finish her sentence. Callie stared at her blankly, still recovering from the frightening moment of believing she was almost caught.

"Our life of being poor and living in the streets is...?" repeated Sully. When she received no response, she yelled "Our life of being poor is OVER! Callie, wake up, since when are you such a punk?"

Callie still didn't respond instead she threw her head against the pillow and thought of what had just occurred.

She closed her eyes and suddenly saw herself there, back at the store. Her and Sully had entered the store pretending to want to purchase some goods but that was not their intention. They had robbed over 7 retail and grocery stores in the past 4 months and were aware of how to portray their act of confused customers.

Sully walked over to the counter and asked assistance in locating a jar of jelly. Callie then walked slowly towards the back of the grocery clerk, pointed her gun at his head and demanded the money be provided to Sully. Sully giggled uncontrollably as she stared at the panicked expression on the older man's face. He rushed to do as commanded. With shaking hands, he threw the bills at the open bag Sully held.

Sully always enjoyed these adventures (as her and Callie called them). Since they met in the homeless shelter they have been inseparable. They became really good friends and then decided to leave the homeless shelters and find a way to become rich. They didn't want to work. Therefore, they both agreed on taking from others what is not theirs in order to change their lives.

After the first hit they were hooked. They were intoxicated with having money. They could've stopped but chose not to.

“Bang, Bang!” Callie shot blindly as her and Sully escaped out of the store.

The memories of the shots shook her back to the present time. When Callie opened her eyes, she was consumed with sadness. She looked around. “Oh no!” she thought as she slowly sat up on the hard concrete floor she was laying on. “Oh no!” she exhaled again though no one would have been able to hear her; it was a soft whisper. She sat inside her nightmare, which was now her reality.

She is no longer 21 years old. Her dream within a dream was done and now her dark brown eyes adjusted back to the reality her and Sully would have to live for the rest of their lives. The greed of money led them to this place and here they will die. Alone, abandoned and broke.

Blue Sea of Love

As the waves rushed past my legs, I feel the breeze gently caress my hair. I sit mesmerized with the beauty in front of me; a beautiful blue sea. 

Staring out towards the sea, I think about the love of my life. I am in love with a man that has demonstrated his trust, thoughtfulness and dedication to me numerous of times. I am in love with his smile and his eyes. This is a love beyond words. A love that is pure, honest, and sincere.

A hand on my shoulder shakes me back to reality. My hands touch the sand as I stand to see the man I love in front of me. With the sound of the sea in the background, I give him my hand. The ring that produced this grand escape shines brightly as we walk hand in hand, beginning the next stage of our lives.